Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mind Race

It's 1:45 a.m. and I'm sitting here sipping on wine trying to unwind and shut my brain off so I can sleep. Insomnia has plagued me for years - 30 years to be exact. There were times when I was able to manage it but then there are times when there is nothing other than a dose of ambien that will shut me down. My mind races and I go over everything I should be doing in my head over and over again. I always think I could be doing more, I'm missing something, I can have a greater impact here, there, somewhere. I think about where I should focus, who needs my help, how much can I do, what more can I give without breaking. And then I take a frickin' three hour nap on a Saturday afternoon. I'm exhausted. Spent.

I sat in class from 7am to 9:30pm all week long. I woke up at 2am, 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I read, and read, and read. I did practice assignments, I mulled over census data, I researched employment trends, education information, and demographics.

My mind wandered on occasion as I stared at my instructor's narrow hips thinking he may be a runner wondering what he would look like naked only to be turned off by the thought that he probably has a hairy back.

My only freedom. A brief fantasy. A short conversation in the hallway. A 45 minute drive home.